How to Be Assertive (Without Losing Yourself)
Conventional wisdom says that assertive people get ahead. They tell people what they think, request the resources they need, ask for raises, and don’t take no for an answer. So what are non-assertive people supposed to do if their company’s culture rewards these actions? If you’re shy or reserved, don’t fret. You can ask for what you need and get what you want, while still being yourself.
What the Experts Say
Managers need some degree of self-confidence to be effective. “The right amount of assertiveness, respect for others, and intelligence is what makes a great leader,” says Lauren Zander, co-founder and chairman of the Handel Group, an executive coaching firm in New York City, and author of “Designing Your Life,” a course taught through MIT. Yet, there needs to be a balance. “There’s a sweet spot for assertiveness. If you’re below the range, you’re not going to get your way. If you’re above it, you’re not getting along with others,” says Daniel Ames, a professor of management at Columbia Business School and author of “Pushing Up to a Point: Assertiveness and Effectiveness in Leadership and Interpersonal Dynamics.” The good news is, “Being shy is not a permanent condition. Assertiveness can be learned,” says Zander. The key is to understand the context, assess your behavior, and then make the appropriate adjustments.
Understand the context
Assertiveness is not universally understood to be a positive trait. Before you make changes to your behavior, know the context you are working in. Does the culture — national, regional, or organizational — truly value forcefulness? Or do you work in a situation where a persuasive, quiet approach is sometimes more esteemed? Whether your assertiveness will be rewarded also depends on your gender. Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, CEO of 20-first, one of the world’s leading gender consulting firms, and author of How Women Mean Business warns that women who ask for what they want are often described as “bitchy and aggressive.” Ames agrees: “The range of latitude for women is smaller for what they can get away with,” he says. Consider the implications of your behavior before you alter it.
Evaluate your level of assertiveness
You can do this by either assessing your own behavior or asking others for input. Zander suggests you ask yourself: “Are you willing to talk to anyone about what you want?” Most people will answer this question with some qualifications, which indicates the need to overcome fear and express your opinion more often. Ames also suggests you complete “a success inventory” to understand whether your style is effective. Over a defined period of time — a few weeks or a month — before entering a discussion or meeting, ask yourself, “What do I want from this situation?” Then, afterwards, evaluate the results: “Did I get what I wanted?” This will create a track record of your success and indicate whether you need to adjust your style.
Objectively rating your own behavior can be difficult. “The connection between what we think we’re doing and what others see is very weak. Often it’s not greater than chance,” says Ames. Therefore, it might help to get feedback from trusted colleagues or to conduct a 360-degree review.
Set goals and stick to them
If you find in your assessment that you are holding back in situations where you shouldn’t, ask yourself what you aren’t saying and why you’re keeping quiet. Next time you enter a similar situation, rehearse what you are going to say and how you will say it beforehand. Ames and Zander both suggest you challenge yourself with a specific time-bounded behavioral goal. For example, give yourself a week to initiate three difficult conversations with colleagues. Or tell yourself that for the next two weeks, whenever you’re in a group discussion, you’ll speak up within the first two minutes. “Focused incremental changes add up to real change,” Ames says. If you’re successful, set another goal and stick to it. If it doesn’t work, don’t beat yourself up. Try a different one. “Approach it with an attitude of playfulness,” he says.
There’s a line — know when you’ve crossed it
Be careful that in your quest, you don’t become a bully or a nuisance. Zander warns that being overly assertive is often interpreted as self-promotional or arrogant. Monitor the impact you have on others. “The costs of being overly assertive are not immediately apparent to us. If you yell at a subordinate, she may do what you asked but she may also go home and update her resume,” says Ames. Be sure your efforts to push more are well intended. “Assertiveness is most appreciated when it’s in the service of the team,” says Zander.
Case Study #1: Make promises and keep them
Katie Torpey is a filmmaker and screenwriter. Assertive executives and insistent dealmakers dominate the industry she works in. Katie was successful, making several movies and television episodes, but she often held back in meetings, rarely saying what was on her mind. Instead she said what she thought others wanted to hear. “I was a people pleaser. I didn’t want to piss anyone off or hurt anyone’s feelings,” she says.
Situation #1: Getting the Team Behind Your Plan
Passive Approach: You wait for your boss to make the first suggestion, then take the path of least resistance by agreeing, rather than putting your idea on the table or even suggesting ways to improve upon her strategy.
Aggressive Approach: You immediately present your “perfect” idea as the one the team needs to adopt and, without taking a breath, begin assigning tasks. If anyone tries to suggest an alternative, you shake your head and say, “That won’t work.” All the while, you’re pretending not to notice the eye-rolls happening around the table.
Assertive Approach: As you listen to the various suggestions your colleagues are floating, you both acknowledge their strong points and assume a role in solving potential challenges. You might say, for example, “It’s a great idea to track prospective client interactions. What if we did it over six months instead of three? That would allow us to collect more data and make better decisions for the next fiscal year.”
In this last scenario, you’ve stated your case in a way that acknowledges others’ perspectives and backed up your ideas with factual reasoning, rather than emotions. You’ve successfully contributed value to the conversation, but not at the cost of making other team members feel unvalued.
Source:
https://hbr.org/2012/08/how-to-be-assertive-without-lo
https://www.forbes.com/sites/heidilynnekurter/2021/01/31/3-effective-tips-on-how-women-can-be-more-assertive-in-the-workplace/?sh=59de74f416f6
https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-to-be-more-assertive-at-work-without-being-a-jerk